How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
