Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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