If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
false alarm. still invincible.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
