Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What a dumb baby whore.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
