I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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