woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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