I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
