everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
