My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
