Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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