Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
