I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Two words: nipple clamps
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