i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
