Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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