They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
