from now on my penis is your penis
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
