my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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