Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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