it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
