I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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