Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
