you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
