Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
