he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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