Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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