I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize