And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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