i don't like sucking hair
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
