i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize