Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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