I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
