All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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