my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
