I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
