Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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