Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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