it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I did not marry a roomba.
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