dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
being pregnant is like rehab
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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