??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
