Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
