so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
