Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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