Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
