Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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