she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
