Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
