He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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