I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
