No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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