I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
