the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
