Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
