when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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