I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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