i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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