I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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